Online dating profile red flags
After a long-term relationship I was in ended in 2012, I found myself single for the first time in over 10 years. At that stage, I was 45 years old but very naïve when it came to dating.
Like most people, I dabbled in online dating. By that stage, my circle of friends had dwindled, and I thought dating online would give me the best chance of meeting someone. Online dating has become very popular over the years, however, it’s not as simple as selecting someone you’re attracted to or swiping right and there can be a lot of potential pitfalls if you’re not careful.
When preparing your own online profile, be careful how you word it. While it may be tempting, it’s unwise to divulge everything about yourself or include language that suggests you’re needy for a relationship, as doing so could invite the attentions of a predator.
While it’s impossible to tell whether someone is genuine or indeed relationship-ready going by a dating profile alone, there are some red-flags that help filter out those who might waste your time, or worse:
No photo – I never took profiles without a photo seriously.
Superficial photos – Be aware of people whose photos exhibit narcissistic tendencies, such as half-naked selfies in front of the bathroom mirror; photos taken where the person is pictured with another person (even if what you can see is just an arm or a shoulder). You aren’t interested in seeing their friends or brief glimpses of a former ex-lover.
The psychopathic stare – This was evident when I looked at Luca’s profile picture. Look for an intense yet cold, vacant stare. My suggestion is to study photos of famous clinically diagnosed psychopaths such as Ted Bundy, the Crossbow cannibal killer Stephen Griffiths, or Jeffrey Dahmer. If your instincts kick in when you look at their photo, take note.
Out-of-date or photoshopped photos – While you want to see what the person looks like, you aren’t interested in how they appeared 10 years ago or how they wished they looked in another life. You want to meet someone who doesn’t misrepresent themselves in any way. Photos that are poor quality, blurry or old indicate underlying dishonesty and deceit. Nor do you want photos that are enhanced. You want to see and meet the real deal.
Desperate to meet – Of course you’re keen to meet the person and don’t want someone who drags the chain, however you should also be wary of those who express a desire to meet with you straight away. It’s always wiser to exchange a few messages first, and perhaps even share a casual conversation with them over the phone in the initial stages to try to gauge their true intentions.
Sad stories – Have they recently lost a loved one or a beloved pet, been nursing a sick relative, been injured in an accident or lost their job? Beware: this could very well be pity play and a deliberate ploy to target your sympathies. Ask yourself what they may want from you.
Requests for banking details or money (no matter how small the amount) – Run! Sever all contact immediately.
Lots of questions – Are they asking too many questions early on, particularly personal ones? What information are they trying to get out of you? Beware.
Explicit sexual images or messages – These are red flags of a player at the very least. Unless you’re not looking for anything serious (or don’t mind the risk of catching a nasty STI) avoid at all costs. Always remember that many toxic people are quite promiscuous.
Flattery and ego stroking – Do they tell you what you want to hear? Are they pandering to your insecurities? Beware of compliments that are effusive and over-the-top or have a touch of insincerity to them.
Overuse of terms such as ‘babe’, ‘princess’ or ‘sexy’ – Most toxic men address women in this way before really knowing the person. It may be different once you’re a committed couple, but overuse of such terms initially could be an indicator of shallow emotions.
False relationship status – Remember that what someone tells you is not always the case. They could very well be married while making out that they’re single and available for a relationship. A sign of this is that they aren’t contactable at certain times of the day or night, or will only agree to meet you in certain places at certain times. You never get to meet their friends or see their place. Perhaps they have something to hide.
Inconsistencies – If a person is genuine, what they say and how they appear should correlate to their lives, including how they behave and relate to others. If there is glaring disparity between what they say and what they do or how they live, this is a sign of deception.
Too good to be true – Are they the most handsome/beautiful person you’ve seen? Not only do they hold down a great job, but they are educated and well-travelled? Are they also looking or a committed relationship? And really keen to meet you? Tick, tick tick… Hold your horses, take a step back and think things through carefully. Don’t believe everything you see, read or hear. Actions always speak louder than words. Assume nothing before meeting in person and spending time with them.
The above points are extracted from my new book, Prey, which delves into the risks of dating and toxic people.
While it is possible to find love online, a lot of luck is involved. It’s an unfortunate fact that predators continually stalk the internet on the lookout for their next prey. Don’t let yourself become another statistic.
To learn more about tips and information regarding online dating red flags, please visit the Helpingsurvivors.org page ‘Online Dating App Safety Tips’ by clicking on the button below.